Just a few jokes about our fellow musicians!

What's the definition of perfect pitch?
When you throw an accordian in the dumpster and it doesn't touch the sides.

What's the difference between a pizza and an accordian?
A pizza will feed a family of four.

What do you call an accordionist with a beeper?
An optimist.

What`s the definition of a gentleman?
A man who can play the accordian but doesn`t.

What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

What's the least used sentence in the English language?
"Is that the accordianist's Porsche?"

What's the difference between a lawnmower and an accordian?
The neighbours are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.

What's the definition of a bass player?
Somebody halfway between a drummer and a musician.

What's the difference between a bass player and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on the trampoline.

Why don't bass players ever catch a cold?
Even a virus has some pride.

What's the first thing a bass player says when he knocks on your door?
"Pizza!"

How do you know when there`s a bass player at your door?
Who cares?

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, keyboard players have been doing it with their left hand for years.:

How do you get a singer out of a tree?
Cut the noose.

How many singers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because the world revolves around them!

Why is a singer like a business executive?
They both make a big deal out of nothing.

How many fiddlers does it take to change a string?
Change it?!?

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.

What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.

How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell." The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

How many concert band flute players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they ask their boyfriend to do it for them.

How many flute players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only 1, but she'll break 10 bulbs before she realizes they can't be pushed in.

How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but she'll have to twist it back and forth for an hour to make sure she gets it just right.

How do you get two flute players to play in unison?
Shoot one.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

What's the difference between a bagpiper and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathizers.

What do you say to a roadie in a three-piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise.

What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?
Gretzky showers after three periods.

How do you kow if there's a trombonist at your door?
The doorbell drags.

How can you tell that a kid on a playground is a trombonist's kid?
He can't swing and he complains about the slide.

How do you know there`s a music journalist at your door?
The door is last year`s thing, man. I`m into the window.

How do you get 5 musicians in a Mini?
Two in the front, two in the back and Elvis in the ash-tray.

What do you call a keyboard player with one hand?
A Blessing.

What do you call a guitarist with one hand?
It doesn't matter, he can`t hear you.

How many sound engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One......two......one......two......two......one......two......

How many music journalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it and one to explain why the first bulb was better.

How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb?
It`s done. Wanna buy some speed?

What`s the difference between a pig and a roadie?
A pig wouldn`t stay up all night trying to make love to a roadie.

How do you get a guitarist to turn down?
Put the sheet music in front of him.

Have you heard about the new Cobain beer?
It`s bitter with no head.

How do you know when there`s a keyboard player at your door?
He knocks and rings the bell.

How do you know when there`s a guitarist at your door?
He wants the bell louder.

How do you know when there`s a singer at your door?
He can`t find the key and he`s not sure when to come in.

How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?
- One, but if you don`t like it we can always change it back.
- I think we should get a session man in to do it.
- One, but we`ll need to wait `till the singer leaves the room.
- Leave it for now and we`ll fix it in the mix.

A horn player who had been playing with Buddy Rich for many years came back from vacation to hear a rumour that Buddy had died. He didn't quite believe it, so he phoned Buddy's wife and said "Can I speak to Buddy please?" Buddy's wife said, "I'm sorry, Buddy passed away last week." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," he said, and hung up. A couple of hours later, he called her again. "Is Buddy there please?" "No, I'm sorry. Buddy's no longer with us," said Buddy's wife and hung up the phone. Ten minuted later, he called Buddy's wife again. "Can I speak to Buddy please?" he said. She recognised his voice, and said: "Look, I've told you before, BUDDY'S DEAD!" And slammed down the phone. Two minutes later, and the phone rang again. "Is Buddy at home please?" the horn player asked. Buddy's wife was furious. "I'm not going to tell you again, Buddy is dead.. D. E. A. D. DEAD. Why do you keep ringing me to ask for Buddy???!!!!" The horn player said: "I just love hearing you say it."